ASK AMY: Snuffed Baby Will Be Cremated As Adult – Information – Holland Sentinel
Dear Amy, I am a former foster child. As an adult, I moved 1,500 miles from my toxic family.
I was friends with my maternal aunt, with whom I lived briefly as a teenager.
I’m in my early 40s now. She has been asking me for 10 years to go to a vacation spot in the Midwest (a four hour drive for her) to introduce our families (my child, their grandchildren) to one another.
I made the leap and bought plane tickets in January to visit my aunt, her daughter, and grandchildren for five days.
She offered to pay us a hotel, which is nonsensical.
We are now shortly before the visit date and so I checked in with her. She told me that due to the busy schedule, she only had a day and a half to visit and the hotel payment was not mentioned.
I emailed her saying I understand a busy schedule but I believe I am not important and that this was a big deal for this trip BUT I will make the most of it and get a cheap motel (that I can’t afford the hotel where she is staying). Now there is no more reaction (cold shoulder is used to control situations on this side of my family).
What would you do? Call her? Let it go and just go on vacation with my family? I feel like I should have known better. – Burned again
Dear Burned Again: Yes, you should give her a call. You’ve already dug, “I feel like I’m not important BUT I’ll make the best of it.”
These are not the words of someone who is actually willing to make the most of it. And I don’t blame you a bit.
I think you should take a breath and decide if you even want to do this trip. This is one of the times when you may be better off reducing your losses – losing the cost of the plane tickets, rather than spending even more – financially and emotionally – on this trip.
Once you have made your choice, you own it. If you go you definitely make the most of it. It is possible that a personal reconnection is good for you. You are an adult now, and using some of these parts as a mature person can lead to growth. If you get burned again, you will have your own immediate family to surround and support you.
Dear Amy, I volunteered in an elderly care facility. I was sad to see how many people’s families have paid for their care but didn’t come to visit.
But after a while, I learned that many of these people who were so kind to me in the elderly care facility had been terrible parents.
They had estranged their children for years and now when they needed their families they had no relationship to fall back on.
I’m not so quick to criticize anymore. – Was there
Dear Sir or Madam, a friend of mine is doing important research on family alienation. He told me that older parents often report that alienation has taken place “for no reason”. When he delves into an interview, he often finds a very good reason – along with a lot of rejection.
In general, we all reap what we sow in relationships.
I expect nursing home staff have had a lot of insight into family dynamics and how it affects the care and attention that elders receive from their children. But it is difficult and perhaps unfair to judge people based on a narrow knowledge of them just before the end of their life.
Dear Amy, I read from a recent column today, including a letter from Holding about the scattering of her friends’ ashes in Ireland.
I live in Galway on the west coast of Ireland and was wondering if I could help the writer.
I wondered if the cliffs she was referring to were the Cliffs of Moher, which are near where I live.
If the cliffs she’s talking about are around I would love to scatter them for her if she mailed them to me or couriered them. – Clare Currie
Dear Clare, so many lovely readers have offered to help “Holding” dispel their friend’s ashes. I publish your answer as an example of the kindness and generosity shown to it.
I have forwarded these various offers to Holding and hope that it carries out and accepts this generosity. It would be good for her to finally calm this down. Thank you all!
– Amy Dickinson is a national columnist for the Tribune Media Service. Email questions to [email protected] or email Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.